Once upon a magic what!
by MssChief
Summary: This is a crack\humor fic in which Storybrook's residents discover someone has been writing fanfiction about them (amongst which some g!p) The Royals are not amused and Snow sounds the Porn Alert! This is NOT a g!p fic (but can be read as such). But there will be mentions of g!p. Main pairings: Swanqueen (forever and for always); redbeauty; Cora\Rumple Charmings being Charmings
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer :** OUAT characters, human, inhuman, inbetween, live, dead or resurrected, royals, commoners, dwarfs, fairies, buildings, scenery and the "Welcome to Storybrook" sign all belong to their respective owners with sincere respect. No profit made, no lawsuit necessary ( please have mercy...)

 **Authors note** **1** **:** this is a crack/comedy/humour fic, written in pure fun. It does not intend to mock, deride or in anyway offend those who read/write G!P fics. Personally I find them and as valid as any other work of fiction on their "own genre\style".

 **Authors note** **2** **:** Please note that I do not follow the show in a long time (think Neverland) so my apologies if there is lack of character. This will be off canon and won't follow the storyline of the show. Also I only recently ,while trying to research a little to get a feel of things, found out that Emma and Hook married so you dear author is still deeply traumatized.

 **Once upon a magic what?!**

No one knew for sure who started the rumor, but word spread like wild fire around town and soon all everyone could talk about were the strange stories online about some citizens of Storybrook.  
It was whispered about in the library, discussed in the diner, and debated in the park! No one admitted openly to read them, but everyone knew quite a few and most even had strong opinions. The hush-hush continued until it eventually was brought to the attention of Snow White who immediately sounded the porn alert!

She had come by the existence of these strange and indecent tales when she caught her husband reading one online. "Hello honey", Charming had jumped in front of the computer trying clumsily to obstruct her view of the screen. She was caught off guard by the unexpected reaction they didn't keep secrets from each other... "Charming what are you doing" she said trying to look past him "nothing Snow just hmm checking my mail" his face was all red and he frantically tried to stop her from look. Snow pouted "since when do you keep your emails from me?", "Snow trust me you don't want to know.." she look at him with all the sincerity and purity of heart she could master, with deep beady eyes that would make Bambi proud..."yes I do! C'mon David I can't be that bad.." He just sighed.. he could never resist her, and besides all this hiding and secrecy were making him feel awful for keeping things from his wife.

He would just have to man up and come clean.. He took a deep calming breath and said " okay.. well.. earlier today I was coming from the station and a couple of lost boys asked me something about Emma.." Snow frowned.. none of the lost boys she could think of were of age to address her husband about the white kingdom's princess, and also said princess was still stubbornly engaged..but never mind "what did they want to know about Emma?" Snow asked, "well... they wanted to know if.. er hummm... they wanted to know if her sword was bigger than mine" he concluded blushing. Snow did not understand "what? Charming you gave Emma her sword" Charming blushed deeper "Snow not that sword" he said quietly looking down.. "wait! You mean... Lord Charmington?!" She said looking at Charming's crotch..he could only nod. And to say Snow White grew pale was an understatement "that is impossible!" Charming looked up " Thanks honey" Snow shook her head "No i mean.. Emma is a girl! She doesn't. .. she can't.. where did they get that idea from?!" Charming sighed.. "thats what I thought and I did some research and there have been these strange stories circulating about our little princess...Snow just stormed past him and scrolled down the computer "chapter 1, the Evil Queen approached Emma 'my my Saviour, is this a dagger in your trousers or are just happy to see me?' she took her hand and grabbed the hard...WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH MY BABY?!" she stormed out with Charming running after her.

Regina was having a nice day. She had gotten up in a good mood she and Emma had had a great morning, henry was upstairs working on a school project, and they were planning to go for a late lunch at Granny's. She had just sat down with a cup of coffee and the news while Emma was upstairs when rough knocking and loud shrieking interrupted her - she was having such a fine day.. she could recognize that high pitch shriek anywhere.

As soon as she opened the door in stormed the two i..in-laws... Charming clearly out of breath. Before she could say anything Snow pointed an accusatory finger at her "YOU! You evil witch you gave... my ..my daughter has a dick!" Well this was certainly new.. Regina thought she had miss heard at first "I beg your pardon?" Mean while Charming could only pant in a poor, but well meaning, attempt at clarification "Emma.. sword... big.. sword" like a telegram from Tarzan.. Regina looked amused and turned to Snow "My dear, I sometimes say that you daughter IS a dick, not HAS a dick! And that is entirely your fault on your poor genetic choices for your progeny" Snow could only protest "but, but" however before she could say anything further Regina in all her evil regal glory added "oh dear you can be quite sure.. I personally checked". 

As soon as the words sunk in Snow was ready to kill, but suddenly Emma showed up drinking her own cup of coffee that she had just gotten from the kitchen "what is all the commotion about" to which Regina replied sweetly and matter-of-factly "Your mother is under the impression that I gave you a penis." Emma spluttered her Coffee hitting Charming right in his face "sorry dad.. but what the hell?!" Charming still out of breath and dripping wet with freshly brewed coffee (Regina had a permanent ban on instant inside the house) still, he wanted to reassure is little girl the best he could "Honey its nothing to be ashamed of! We can make an appointment at the doctors if you want to - unless you are fine with it as it is - I know i wouldn't part with mine for anything..." he spoke almost reverently of his beloved appendage. Regina had to admit that idiotic as it might be, it sure was endearing to know that he supported his daughter no matter how improbable or impossible the predicament.. .

Emma just just stared as if she was about to cry - she had gone for so long believing she had been abandoned by her family, that her father's stubborn show of support was amazing. "Thanks dad.." she shook her head "but i am really ALL girl.. below and above the waist", "like I told them, I checked" both Emma and Snow shouted "Regina!" And got an innocent "what? I thought they would be pleased to know that their suspicions were unfounded". Emma couldn't imagine what had gotten to her parents until it hit her like a ton of bricks "wait is that because of those stories?" 

Both Snow and Charming were dumbstruck.. "You mean you know about them?" Both Emma and Regina shrugged "of course everyone in town knows about them..." Emma answered " its just fiction! Made up tales written for... Entertainment" Regina added.  
Snow could not believe it "you mean you are both fine with it?!" Emma nodded "sure! Its just stories.. besides its not like we are the only ones being written about! And its kinda flattering that they always make me so well endowed" she laughed, Snow looked like she was going to faint and Regina just gave Emma a hungry look that said 'later' Emma could hardly concentrate... but she knew she needed to at least try to calm down her mother " look there are stories about almost everyone in town! Although that particular kind seems to be more popular about me and Ruby.. but there are even some with Regina!" To which the former queen huffed and muttered "as if i could pull that off unnoticed in my skirts!" Emma snorted "and that is the only thing that bothers her.. the idea of ruining and outfit because of a hypothetical dick.."

Snow didn't know if she should feel relieved or more appalled with the information...So this indecent web of lewd lies was an epidemic! It must be stopped! "We will not stand idly by! Meet us at the dinner at 3 o'clock we will summon everyone for an emergency meeting!" and they rushed out with Regina shouting "its just fiction! !"

There was a full crowd at Grannies, the fairy/nuns piously sitting near the Royals, Archie,Belle, Gepetto, the dwarves (some with suspisciouly anxious faces)... it seemed everyone had come to the supposed meeting like the good loyal subjects they were. Ruby leaned against the counter trying to show support for her best friend, and behind the counter stood an utterly bored Granny. Regina and Ema were among the last to arrive staying close to the door in case opportunity to escape should arise.

Snow took a deep breath " we all know why we're here. There has been an onslaught of malicious rumors!" The nuns nodded their accent, some people in the crowd muttered quietly, Emma rolled her eyes and Regina just huffed in annoyance.. all this for fiction.

The lecture carried on "peoples lives are being gossiped about! Turned into twisted pornographic tales! It must be stopped and the writers must be brought to justice!".

Archie stood up from his seat "Snow, just to clarify, it all must stop entirely or just the more erm.. racy stories?" Seeing Snows confusion he added "because from an psychological and anthropological point of view, they are... at least some are interesting. They may even represent suppressed fantasies or ideation" ever since finding out his degree had come with the curse, he took every online and correspondence psychology course he could find.

Charming chimed in "but who is to say which should stay and which should not?" , although personally for him, any that might contain his precious little girl, no matter doing what.. should burn in hell. Yet it had to be fair to everyone. Grumpy stood up " Snow, ya know I'll follow you to hell and back, but in this case... what's the harm? I mean if people don't like it they don't have to read it, and everybody knows its just like gossip! None of it is true" and for the first time in her life Regina had to agree with a dwarf.

Snow tried to give it some though "but its porn! Even those that are not might become porn in future chapters! The ratings can be upped!" Nova suggested "what if we just...", squirming under the gaze of Blue, "just ban the sexy ones?"

Ema though that Blue might turn red. The older Mother Superior cleared her throat " Clearly I do not know any of these writings, not would I favorite, follow or subscribe to any such materials." people just stared at her but she continued, "these writings, although hypothetically saving lots of money on our headquarters heating bills... are not writings that we may endorse. However, the bst and simplest course of action might be to simply terminate anything above PG."

That got a reaction from the lost boys "what?! No fair! What about 'Milf Mills' and 'Red hot riding hood'?!" To which Ruby just 'awwed at her pre pubecent fans and Regina was ready to start shooting fireballs as soon as Emma whispered to her what 'milf' meant, but was calmed to her senses by her wife.

The wolf and herself had apparently a few fictional admirers. Snow was almost livid "you kids don't understand! there are insidious lies here! Profound perversion! Complete debauchery, unholy claims on people's anatomy!" Everyone looked at Emma and she shrugged "hey its not just about me! Rubes is quite popular on that department too" Ruby laughed winking at Emma "both in my human and wolf form no less" giving an extra sway her hips just for effect, and maybe for Belle's benefit, who looked like she might swoon.

Snow was desperate "but none of it is true!" "I may speak for myself, not the wolf!" Ruby joked which earned her a slap on the head from Grannie and a hard look from Snow. Emma though it was hilarious "well not that it anyone's business, but not true in my case either" to which Regina added "I personally..." " ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" Snow quickly interjected. Hook was next to speak "Aye.. I wonder if there are any the other way around... like if there are women with 'long johns' are there any with guys have.. y'know?" Charming looked curiously at Hook it had never occurred to him.. "you mean like guys getting to, ah, carry babies and things like that" Hook nodded "I heard that there were such tales in the depths of the web, but I don't know if there are any about folks here. just out of curiosity of course" before the conversation could get any further someone from the crowd said "I heard there are ones that are really kinky" this time all eyes fell on Regina "Oh right because the Evil Queen is always the sadistic dominatrix!", turning her head to the counter when she heard a laugh " would bet the idea has once warmed many lonely and cold nights back in the Enchanted Forest" Granny quipped, only the elder Lucas could get away with saying something like that to Regina, who simples gave a wicked smile that made many, of both sexes, shift uncomfortably on their seats "but she is MY sadist dominatrix! Don't get any ideas" to which for the first time ever a chorus of "EMMA!" erupted from Charming, Snow and Regina.

"Well then, now that it all out in the open..." Granny said suddenly pulling her crossbow "either buy something or get the heck out of my diner!" Which efficiently got everybody scrambling out of her diner. Finnally in peace she pulled her laptop from behind the counter and continued writing her review: _I mean kid you got talent! But proper grammar goes a long way to..._

Emma and Regina arrived home to find their son playing videogames "hi moms how did it go?" his grandparents had said that this time it was only for adults. "hello dear, it was fine, just a complete wast of time, but fine." Emma couldn't help but smile at her wife's frustration "Hey kiddo, yeah your mom is right it was a bit much.." Regina sighed exasperated "all this for fiction!" Henry laughed "was it about those stories online?" Regina's ears as an experienced mother perked up, but she gave nothing away, "oh? Are you familiar with them?" Henry shrugged "not really but, everyone knows about them"

Emma who had just ordered a pizza and had got herself a beer and a cider for Regina sat down on the couch beside him adding "anyway they will probably just try to erase the ones above PG" Henry's heart sank and he blurted "what?! what about Red Hot Riding Hood?!" making Emma spill her beer and turn to him while Regina had taken advantage of the whole situation to circle quietly around the couch effectively blocking any possible attempts at escape for her son "Henry Mills... what about Red. Hot. Riding. Hood?" she said carefully accentuating each word making her son sink on his seat and his other mother arousal skyrocket but trying to focus on troubleshooting the kid first "kid do you wanna elaborate? Is there any operation I don't know about?" She couldn't help but tease him just a little. Henry was blushing so hard he would put the proverbial riding hood to shame "I can explain.. really erm" to which Regina coolly replied " then please dear, elaborate."

The kid gulped but braved on "ah er.. you see i stumbled upon a few stories that are, you know, interesting. But I never read those 'bout you and ma, that would be gross...I know there are some that give ma or you eh..'boy parts' cause Hansel asked me once if it was true."

Emma was deeply embarrassed and Regina was internally fuming but she wanted their son to come clean so she let him continue "at first I just read some nice ones about you guys falling in love because, at the time, you were always fighting and I wanted us to be together for real, like a family so I started will the ones tagged 'fluff'," that almost brought tears to both their mothers eyes "then you guys got together for real, and so I moved on, but still read a few, some also had Ruby which I thought it was cool 'cause I like Ruby but also kind of weird, I mean, I already got two mom's and a dad so I think its enough parents, even if dad is dead" Emma and Regina burst in laughter at his logic thus putting him at ease to disclose further "then one thing led to another and I well uh.. found other cool stories."

Later Henry had gone to sleep and Emma and Regina were getting ready for bed themselves "see Gina our kid is growing up so fast" the older woman snuggled close "don't remind me.. my little prince... Makes me almost want to get that werewolf on a leash", making her wife chuckle " I bet there might be quite a few stories out there where you do" Emma said teasingly earning herself a halfhearted slap "oh you know that's not what I meant".

Emma sighed "I don't know how l am going to get my mother to drop this" her eyes pleading for her wife to be patient. Regina's eyes suddenly lit up "well dear, then I might just get some fun while she insists on this madness" Emma kissed her wife " fair enough, but try not to do any permanent damage.."

Authors note: There is still one little chapter to go if the muse sticks with me... Reviews most welcome.

ps- please someone tell me that CaptainSwan is not a permanent reality... That she has divorced, widowed, got an annulment anything... Swanqueen forever!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclamers:** please see first chapter.

 **Author's note:** Thank you for the reviews! Apparently I made the right choice to stop watching the show and live happily in denial with swanqueen fiction and swanqueen goodness on youtube as some have pointed out to me the state of the show ykes...

Now just so you know I got Cora because, well I like her and would like to see her making amends with Regina and getting to know Henry. Also for me Henry is perpetually 10 (I don't know why but I can only see him either at that age or younger)

Once upon a magic what?

Next morning was a lovely Sunday, Regina had cooked an amazing breakfast, Emma was taking care of the dishes, the former queen was just about to go do a bit of gardening and tend to her precious apple tree, when suddenly the bell rang... She knew there was 'no rest for the wicked' but this was ridiculous.

She sighed knowing already who she would find before she even opened the door, and as expected there were Charming and Snow but before she could say anything Snow announced "we must get to work in order to find the who is behind this!" Regina smirked remembering her plan "if you say so Snow. Just give us a moment to get ready" Charming sniffed the air "are you guys still having breakfast?" Regina smiled wickedly she didn't even need to bait them fishies, they jumped right onto the boat... oh this was gonna be good. Smiling sweetly "Oh we just finished, but there are some left over pancakes and bacon, you are more than welcome to help yourself to some," adding casually as they entered "we spent the whole night trying, so I wanted Emma to have a big breakfast" ghosting a hand over her own belly. Charming was oblivious but Snow's mouth dropped to the floor. But before she could ask anything Henry had rushed from the kitchen to greet them.

Charming made his way to the pancakes and, also his daughter since she was next to them, because whatever you might say about the woman no one, in any realm, cooked like Regina.

They chatted idly for a while with Henry begging to tag along, and Emma who was still in her pj bottoms and sleeping t-shirt went upstairs to get dressed, she didn't think anything of it when her wife called out while she was already climbing up the stairs "dear, I put out those dark blue trousers for you instead of you usual tight jeans. I thought it might be better than having you rip them again." she thought nothing of it, it wasn't unusual for Regina to pick out something for her to wear, and last week she had ripped one of her favorite skinny jeans while chasing a drunk Leroy through a rose bush maze. She didn't even know Storybrook had a rose bush maze.

Had she looked at the deliciously wicked smile her wife had, she might have suspected something.

Charming was still in breakfast heaven leaving only Snow to wonder... She shook her head, Emma had already said she had nothing 'unusual'.

As soon as she got back down they made their way to start looking for 'The Source' as Snow had named it.

Gold's pawn shop was the first stop, since the man usually either was involved or had an interest in everything that happened in town.

The little bell at the door announced the group's entry in the pawn shop. "to what do I owe the pleasure, dearies" Rumple drawled sarcastically until his eyes settled on Henry, he wouldn't ever admit it, but he had a soft spot for his grandson. Regina for her part kept her poker face but was internally mortified to be a part of this and stand before her former mentor, a man who had been the closest to a father figure she had known after her father had passed, for something as frivolous as gossip. He already gave her enough teasing about her being a good 'hero' since both despised the term. She tried to be as casual as possible "oh we just thought we drop by Storybrook's best thrift shop." Before Rumple could come up with a witty remark a voice called out from the back-room "really Regina, was that really necessary dear?" Cora showed up eager to see her grandson. "hi gran" Henry chirped happily making most people in the room, with the exception of Rumple, look uneasy.

Snow cleared her throat "Well Mr Gold we have a few questions for you, regarding some rumors" Rumple looked eagerly, finally some fun, what creature had showed up? Or maybe it was a brand new curse, or a portal! Portals were always fun. Snow looked him straight in the eye "actually quite indecent rumors... so we must ask: Are. You. Responsible. For. The. Porn?"

Regina just wished she could poof herself out, while Emma whispered to her father "now you see why she shouldn't spend time at the station".

Rumple couldn't believe his ears and in an angry yet saccharin sweet voice replied " dearie.. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding me?!" How dare she?! He had been the darkest of Dark Ones, trained the Evil Queen, manipulated the Evil Queen to cast the curse, managed to undermine said the curse, brought fecking magic to a little town in the friggin' middle of Maine! "I am the true Dark One! I run a respectable pawn shop! When would I have the time?! Why would I even waste the time I don't have, on that bloody nonsense" they had all taken a step back, except for Henry who was still in Cora's arms. "Now, now dear, that is quite enough" Cora interjected, Charming trying to save face added " oh ah well... to be fair, some speak of magic. Sha.. shape-shifting magic giving ehrm... for instance.. in some Emma has a..y'know."

Rumple's eyes bulged out and he shouted " Why on earth would I be interested in giving the Saviour a penis?!" to each Emma added "yeah he never even gave so much a as Christmas card since we know each other" to which Cora laughed hysterically and Regina truly though of murdering her wife...

"Dear I know you now how magical babies are really made" Cora loved the opportunity to tease her daughter "and surely you know its much less taxing on your magic to simply enchant a strap-on" to which Regina screamed "mother!" and Rumple "I did not spend years of my life teaching her some of the most powerful magic there is, just for her to open a sex-shop!" Cora thought she would die of laughter so she said to her grandson "Henry, why don't you come with me and I will show you all the new stuff we got" and he excitedly went with her to the back room.

Rumple looked furiously at Regina who just huffed "I assure you that I do not have any such establishment nor do I have any interested in this whole story business" Rumple sighed, serves her right for wanting to be with the good heroes... He then turned to look at the sickroom to check if Cora and Henry were out of ear shot and quickly added in a much lower voice "do you really think that I would have any interest in writing about my ex going at it with that glorified poodle?!" and as soon as he heard his current fiancée and grandson return shouted "now get the hell out of my store before I decide to show you all what I really can do!". He would never admit to it but he had read quite a few of him and Belle when he was still pinning for her, and of course, he had read everything in which she was included, be it with his former disciple and of course with the bloody wolf, but then Cora came back into his life, this time with her heart, and soon he was back with his first love.

 **Author's note:** hope you liked this chapter, the muse has graced me with yet another one unless she leaves me hanging... Drop me a line if you are so inclined.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimers:** Still in the first chapter, my apologies to canon (you do make great cameras guys) I also do not own or profit from Wii. And finally I do not own Avenue Q nor any of its songs, puppets etc...

 **Author's note:** If you don't know the song check out "the Internet is for porn" its more or less my idea of Snow's state of mind (and I do love to mess with her). A special thank you to Ragamuffin47 for patiently explaining to me the OUAT storyline.

The group decided to head back, as they discussed where to go next they saw a commotion in the middle of the street. A huge crowd had gathered and was divided in two sides both holding several protest signs.

On the side of the fairies, which they soon realized was the anti-story side, there were several signs ' _out with indecency'_ , _'foul fiction'_ , _' fluff is an entry to smut'_ , _' stay canon, stay true'_ someone shouted from that side "no more smutty stories!" to which someone on the other side replied "you wish, you prude!" followed by a couple more tirades from both sides "creative writing is freedom of expression!", "oh that's what you're calling it nowadays!" , "g!p is perversion!" To which a whole sub-section of the other side shouted "don't like it, don't read it!"

On the pro-story side there were also several signs and banners _'creative liberty rules',_ ' _make smut not war', 'I heart fiction' ,_ _'_ _if you like canon, take a picture'_

Rushing between both groups with a notepad, helmet and tape recorder was Archie.

"All. This. For fiction..." Regina could not believe her own eyes as she took in the sight before her. Emma could only nod in agreement with her wife, and managed to grab Archie. He looked at the group and smiled "Hey guys! I didn't see you there. Would you like to take a brief survey?" They all just stared at him. Emma continued "so.. that's what the notepad and the recorder are for.. what about.." they all just looked at his helmet "Ah well, as you can see tempers are a little.. excited on both sides.. better safe, than sorry" he added adjusting his glasses. He then cleared his throat "this whole fiction business is quite interesting, so I am collecting data to know why and what people are reading or, why they are opposed" Snow looked like she was about to faint and the others just looked at him as he eagerly proceeded "so.. l take Snow is against them, but what about the rest of you" everyone except Regina looked nervous, "frankly dear I do not care." she said in true disinterest. Snow kept looking suspiciously at Charming who hadn't yet opposed " I think they could write it maybe with original characters, not about people we know" he looked at his daughter instead of his wife, he was sure he would have some explaining to do when they got home. Henry smiled "maybe if you read all the stories you can make profiles of the writers to identify them!" Archie beamed "you know, you are right!" to which Regina just smiled proudly, clearly his intelligence was from her side of the family. Archie was beside himself with glee "this adds a whole new dimension to my research!" He handed each of them a leaflet with an online address "here, this is to fill out the form. its online to protect everyone's privacy so people can answer honestly without fear" as they all looked quizzically at the papers he sprinted off to continue his research.

The group had decided to go to Grannie's for lunch. Ruby approached the table and Henry quickly looked anywhere but at Ruby, a bit ashamed that his moms knew about his fictional crush, Regina wanted to tear the scantly clad woman down to pieces but decided to spare her son further embarrassment. "hi guys, do you want your usuals? How is the hunt going?"they all nodded confirmation at Ruby and Regina took yet another opportunity to mess with Snow, by changing her order claiming she should get something more substantial. But again before Snow could say anything Charming said "well we just had a very interesting conversation with Rumple", Red could not believe it "you mean, you guys really asked him if he wrote the stories?!" Everyone looked mortified, she chuckled "I doubt he wrote my wolf at least..." making everyone sink further into their seats "but he read it for sure..." Emma added making her laugh "wait I bet he is 'RagingReviewer666' that user seems to have read each of my stories with Belle just to leave awful reviews" Regina could not even imagine her former mentor reading smut, much less writing a review...She was risen from her musings by Ruby's question "I am almost afraid to ask... how did it go?" , "well," Regina huffed "considering he suggested that I was running an enchanted sex-shop..." everyone groaned remembering the exchange. Ruby on the other hand seemed to have an epiphany! She just stared at Regina leaning ever closer " Regina that would be...AWSOME!" She was almost on the former queen's lap "can you imagine how much money we could make?!" Regina tried to remind herself why she could not smite the mutt on the spot... _one_ _she is_ _Henry's friend (and_ _apparently_ _fi_ _rst_ _crush), two_ _she is_ _her wife's best friend... three she would never be able to order take away from the diner if she killed the delivery girl_ _, poofed food just didn't taste the same._ _.._ she took a deep calming breath "miss Lucas, I trained in magic. powerful dark magic passed down from generations of witches and sorcerers..I am not using that power to open a sex-shop!". However, Ruby was a dog with a bone "Oh c'mon! It is one in a lifetime opportunity! I can already see the name 'the magick di..", "DINER!" shouted Granny amused "right now Ruby, you are working in the diner! Try to get your investors in your spare time", Ruby grumbled good natured and gave Regina a smile "I will convince you, your majesty, you will see" she left them to help prepare their order and serve the rest of the patrons.

Once she left they went back to discussing their plans, who else could be involved? Emma suggested waiting for another round of fiction to try and find a pattern in the times of publication (basically she just wanted to have reason to go home and spend the rest of her day with Regina and Henry). Snow conceded that, at least for now, it was all they could do until they had more leads to go on. "Thank heavens..." Regina huffed and Henry took the opportunity to beg his mother "mom since we going home earlier, may we have lasagna for dinner" Regina smiled at her cunning son (that was also from her side, okay maybe a little of Emma's too) before she could reply she heard a meek "lasagna?" And everyone turned to Charming who had started the puppy look, Regina sighed "yes we may" she said to her son, and "yes you can" she said to Charming. Now that was what apparently ran in the 'Charming gene' an obsession with her lasagna... She felt Emma's hand on her thigh and smiled, she knew she liked when she was nice to her parents.

Henry turned to Snow "so, why are those stories on the Internet so bad?", Snow collected her thoughts and started "well, Henry the Internet is really really great..." and suddenly the seven dwarves jumped out from the booth behind her singing " FOR PORN!" making Snow jump up to the ceiling and Regina burst out laughing and high-five Leroy.

The group met at 7pm for diner and for a round of games on Henry's Wii with the usual competition between Henry, Charming and Emma, with Snow and Regina cheering for Henry.

Monday morning Emma was already at the station and, as a small town sheriff, there was not much to do, so since she was alone she decided to browse through the latest new tales. She browsed through the list of new additions noticing that 3 new stories had been uploaded, the choices were _'Red Hot Riding Hood midnight at the diner'_ , ' _take off to Storybrook'_ an AU in which the whole town was a space colony (seriously?) and her eyes zeroed in on the last title _'The Dragon_ _touch_ _'_. She groaned, not again... Of all the fiction stories these were the only ones that bothered her but she could not help to read each and every one of those stories. It involved a romantic, often more sexual than romantic, relationship between Regina and Maleficent. She sighed and started reading _'well well dear what brings you to my lair? Said the queen wearing nothing but a three piece dark purple lace lingerie..._

Meanwhile Charming and Snow were canvasing the territory looking for potential clues. The dropped by Geppeto's shop to question him about what he knew "I'm afraid I cannot be of much help" the older man sighed "I merely read 'family and fluff' stories, I never even gave much thought to whoever writes them", Snow frowned, "but doesn't this whole business bother you?" the man squared his shoulders "to be honest, no. I just like those happy stories, takes my mind off of things. I feel less lonely" he confessed almost ashamed, Snow didn't seem to grasp it but Charming nodded in understanding to the man.

As they were walking on Charming wondered aloud "maybe some of these stories might actually do some good" Snow just stared as if he had grown another head.. "honey I'm sure that's just too much sun in your head. We should go grab a bite at Grannies".

They walked in and saw Emma already there "hi honey" she smiled at them "hi guys, I'm waiting for Regina. How is the hunt going?", Snow gave a deep sigh "no leads whatsoever. I don't get it... maybe we are missing something".

Emma was still bothered by what she had read, she prayed David would keep company to Snow so she could keep reading, it was unfortunately a multi chapter. Charming tried to cheer the mood "Hey maybe we could head over Archie's after lunch and see if he found something" before anyone could reply Regina arrived strutting in her usual swagger sitting next to her wife.

"any luck with the fiction?" Charming asked. Regina sighed "oh, I have been reading fiction alright, it's called 'proposals for Storybrook's budget' I do have a town to run..."

Emma smiled at her wife, Regina could sense something was off with Emma but she couldn't asks with the two id...nlaws. Ruby came up to them "Hey guys you ready to order?" Everyone nodded but she suddenly started "but first, Regina, just a moment of your time" and suddenly clicked on a data-show remote to start her presentation " Did you know that taking into account the number of adult residents and the lack of a proper shop..." Regina was seething,"Miss Lucas how dare you suggest, yet again, that I" a hand on her thigh quickly calmed her and she could almost hear a whine from the wolf. She eyed her wife with a you-are-so-going-to-pay-for-this look and said "miss Lucas you have my lunch hour to present that preposterous idea of yours" Ruby jumped with glee and she sighed well it was either that or listening to the bloody drama about the stories again.

They agreed that, Emma and her parents would go see Archie, and then she would return to the station as Charming and Snow headed to the fairies, after that Charming would return and close the station because 'Emma should not over exert herself' as Regina had added smiling wickedly at her wife, knowing it would make Snow's mind reel. Emma simply took it as one more jab at her job's workload.

They parted soon after lunch, Regina heading to her office armed with a folder with Ruby's proposal and business plan which she promised would take a look.

Emma, Snow and Charming arrived at Archie's office to find the former cricket immersed in his research, thousands of printed stories littered around and a big white board filled with zigzag connections and question marks. "Hey Archie what's up?" Startling the man who leaped almost as high as his former self "oh Emma, sorry I didn't hear you come in."

The four shared a laugh at his antics "So any news?" Charming asked, the cricket cleared his throat "I am afraid I have nothing at the moment. But this is all so interesting!" He jumped into his notes not noticing the eye roll Snow was giving him. "well right know I am trying to establish if I have one or more authors... I mean the stories are so diverse, but yet there seems to be some odd consistency which I can't quite pin down... Emma have you tried locating it through IT?"

Emma shrugged "no luck. Whoever is at this, is using multiple ips traveling all through China and back... " she was impressed Archie had though about it "But even if I could pin it to a single source it would simply mean they were being uploaded in a single place. It would not necessarily mean a single author." Archie looked a bit disappointed "well lets carry on then... Oh and please don't forget to fill your survey" Snow sighed "Archie I sincerely have no idea what's the use, but okay we will."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** can still be found on the first chapter.

 **Authors note:** The plot will finally unravel! Although you guys have probably figured it out... There were some suggestions about making around a specific fic, but I wanted to show why different people liked or disliked fiction. That is way I stayed with the idea of multiple stories. I kept the survey very simple in hopes that the formating won't go kaput...

Once upon a Magic What?

Emma arrived at the station, fired up her computer and tried to resist reading the rest of her story. So, she decided to log to Archie's survey, in hopes that maybe that would take her mind of things for a while.

 _A survey on fiction by Dr Archibald J. Hopper._

 _Thank you for your time and participation in this survey. I remind you that this is strictly_ _confidential_ _so you can feel free to answer honestly._ _As this is multiple choice please check all options that apply._

 _Sex:_

 _Gender:_

 _Age:_

 _Original Realm:_

 _Your personal relationship with fiction_ _:_

 _I have read fiction_

 _I have been_ _written_ _about in fiction_

 _I approve of all fiction_

 _I_ _disapprove_ _all fiction_

 _I am_ _indifferent_

 _I approve some fiction (please specify):__

 _I_ _disapprove_ _of some fiction (please specify):__

 _Types of fiction you like to read_

 _Pairings : m/f_ _f_ _/f m/m_ _Gender bending g!p_

 _type of relationship: monogamous_ _polyamorous depends on the pairing_

 _Type of story :_

 _fluff and family_

 _humor_

 _adventure and fantasy_

 _r_ _omance drama_

 _romance explicit_

 _a few open end questions, p_ _lease specify:_

 _Your favorite pairings:__

 _Please give a reason_ _for_ _the_ _type of story you like/read the most__

 _Please state why you approve or oppose of fiction__

 _Thank you kindly for you participation_

 _I will be posting the results as soon as my research is concluded_

Emma was done in ten minutes. She eyed her computer warily... no way she could do paperwork without finishing the story first, so with a resigned sigh, she picked up on the chapter she had left off _'the evil queen lay bound at the four post bed, quivering,_ _begging_ _for the woman's touch, for the dragon's fire to consume_ _h_ _er again and again surrendering herself to pleasure and power that were just_ _beyond_ _reach'_ ugh... she though she might be sick.

Snow and Charming were walking through the old convent with Blue, although not technically nuns nor mandatory celibate, the structured life of the nunnery was good for most fairies, so most of the convent was keep without any major modifications after the curse was broken.

"These stories, I'm afraid that they also circulate around here, I confiscate as many as I can, and I have also banned temporarily the use of kindles, tablets, ipads and all kinds of smartphones" Blue stated imperiously "and... is it working?" Charming asked ,to which the woman gave a righteous huff, more nun than fairy. "It is an effort to stop this debauchery but it is not full-proof. I must say it's even worse than when our novices saw those damned Whoopie Goldberg movies. It took months to take back control of the choir." Snow and Charming just stared at the woman... they decided to explore a little on their own, so the fairies might be more prone to opening up. They tried to engage some small talk with the fairies but none seemed to be willing to talk and those that were, much to their chagrin were more curious about Emma's anatomy than anything else. No one knew nothing of use except that there was this site were you could get the stories from and leave comments or reviews and even send private messages to the authors but it was all completely anonymous.

After the eleventh fairy\nun interested in knowing more about Emma's sword\dagger\ axe\ crossbow,and in one weird comment 'saviourhood', they found Nova "look I am already constantly in trouble on account of balancing my life here and my relationship with Grumpy... The last thing I need is for Blue to suspect I have anything to do with the contraband" Charming and Snow exchanged a look turning to Nova in unison "contraband!?" , the gentle fairy nodded "well she probably suspects me already... being the black sheep around here and all..." she looked around before talking " Snow, I know you don't like the stories but you must promise me that if I talk you guys won't tell a soul!" Snow was about to object to a quick silent exchange with her husband made her agree.

They walked towards a more secluded area so as not to be overheard "at first there was no need. Everyone read as they pleased and gossiped quietly about it. Then Blue learned about them and had the gall to ban them despite everyone knowing that she secretly reads them as well" Nova looked at them and they motioned for her to continue "with the ban, internet access became greatly reduced so people couldn't access the site on their own. So, I let my sisters here know the titles available and they choose which they want to read. Then, when I go see Leroy he and Tinkerbelle print the copies of each story and we then cover them in invisible ink and hide them on the approved library books that Belle gets us. After that I deliver the books to our book club and Agnes collects the blank papers and distributes them, the text reveals itself once the paper is slightly heated, and after all stories are read, they are destroyed. No one has been caught yet, and we have our decoys for Blue to apprehend, since we are not using magic or fairy dust Blue cannot sense the true hideouts."

Snow and Charming were amazed "but why go to so much trouble?" Snow found herself really wanting to know, and Nova, seeing the sincerity of the question replied "because, aside from me and Tinkerbelle, the rest of the fairies lead very dull lives... our natural state is communal living, that's how a fairy really thrive. And while it is true that our communities have always had very solid hierarchies, Blue's rule is a bit too strict, although she means well" the young fairy continued "these stories afford a little escape, a little adventure to spice their lives, to have a little fantasy. Its not that they are unhappy but everyone, even the happiest of us, could use a little dreaming. And personally both Leroy and I feel we owe a little to these stories, when things were bad or we were pressured to separate we would read these stories about us, it made us feel we had a chance, that somebody believed in us. Even if most were about little domestic nonsense, it held us through" Snow was beginning to get really conflicted and had to fight hard not to cry.

They thanked her and left, Charming assuring Blue that nothing whatsoever suspicious came up in their investigation.

They left and were walking towards the station when they ran into Granny and Ruby.

"Hi guys any luck yet?" the younger Lucas asked, ignoring the huff from her grandmother, Snow looked despondent "more questions than answers really... we are no closer to getting to know the source" Charming just put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly "maybe Archie will find something" he said trying to cheer his wife up.

Granny just rolled her eyes "look, why all the fuss about it? It isn't hurting anyone Snow" Show White just looked more and more defeated, why did none of her friends seemed bothered "but its porn" she stated meekly, " not all of it." Granny easily countered " and even if it were, its all fictional, people who don't like don't need to read. And if there is something about them they oppose strongly they can write the authors for them to delete it. I know some that were taken down.", "and the naughty ones are cool, Belle and I love to read them together, although I know she has a secret stash about the wolf" Ruby added.

Granny was torn between slapping her granddaughter in the head or not, but when in doubt... "ouch! C'mon Gran what was that for?!" , "honey can't you be a little more discrete? I don't need to know what you and that sweet girl do!" regaining her composure she added "personally I like the adventure ones. I know there a lot of action here but I'm a bit old and too busy running the diner to be a big part of it most of the time. And of course there are some stories about hardworking sweaty mining dwarves that do warm up the bedroom" earning a shrieked GRANDMA!" the elder Lucas just shrugged "now we are even."

Turning again to Snow and Charming "look I am sure that, the day nobody cares or reads it, like all gossip it will stop." Ruby patted her friend's back "and if anyone keeps bothering you about Emma, you can tell them hers is as big as mine" she said with a wink.

Finally Snow and Charming arrived at the station, Emma was so deep into her paperwork she didn't hear them come in until her mother's anxious voice rang in her ears "You would tell me if you had a penis wouldn't you honey?" which made Emma jump right out of her chair "what the hell?! Mom!" But Snow just pressed on "I mean, you can tell your mother...its not something I would expect... in fact, it was quite a shock, but I'm okay with it if you are" Emma couldn't believe her ears, again with this..."first, huh thank you, thank you both for your support. Second, as I said before at the diner I do not have ...that. I mean, I gave birth to Henry for crying out loud", "well to be fair in a few stories you have, ah, both parts" Snow keep eying her crotch with suspicion " listen here, I am not taking off my trousers just to prove a point. You guys either believe me or don't" she sighed exasperated " as I said my.." "is as big as mine" said Ruby entering the station "I forgot to give a few more papers to Regina, would you mind?" Emma smiled, thankful for the save "Oh you wish Rubes, mine is way bigger... I only lose to the wolf" she said jokingly at Ruby, grateful for an exit, she picked up the papers Ruby handed and left with Ruby laughing and shouting after her " You're all talk Swan, next time you make those claims better bring Regina's ruler" Charming was beyond embarrassed, so he sat pretending to start work, Ruby linked arms with Snow that seemed to be in a utter state of shock "now you my friend need a drink! Lets get you a freebie at the diner" dragging her friend out of the station. And as soon as Charming was alone he started answering Archie's survey hmm fiction he approved... 'Anything but Emma' might bust the whole confidentiality thing...

Regina sat at her office in deep thought - so much commotion for nothing! Yet she had seen her wife's discomfort at lunch, and Henry had been particularly skittish around them as of yesterday evening. Putting two and two together there had probably been a new round of fiction.

She though maybe it was time she checked what all this was about. She browsed the site's many titles laughing at some of the more cheesy or crass titles.

She almost squished the mouse as she read through some racy stories of Emma and Ruby, and Emma and Neal, but found herself smirking at some of the pairings for herself.

She also decided to check the Emma g!p stories that annoyed the Charmings so much, she started with one where she was still the Evil Queen (judging by the sheer amount of Evil Queen stories maybe this bloody town actually missed their collective _domme_ ) ' _in the queen's lavish and luxurious room, the saviour found herself spell bound not by magic but by the sheer sexual power emanating from the dark enchantress leaning against the black and dark purple drapes on her four post bed, her hand traveling down taught abdomen muscles getting lower and lower 'let see how you like your new sword_ _dear_ _'_ Regina's eyes lit up in mirth as she kept reading, there's no way... She smiled as she got up, time to deal with this stories once and for all.

She walked through the endless corridor of the town hall's lower floor, entering the last door without knocking.

"to what do I owe the pleasure dear?", "I think you know perfectly well Mal" and the former dragon just smirked "so where's the cavalry?" Regina laughed and leaned her back on the desk "Oh, there's hardly a need for that". Maleficent realized there was no point in playing dumb "so how did you figure it out?"

Regina laughed "pretty much as soon as I read them. No that many people that have come to Storybrook know the color of my drapes" Maleficent laughed "darling ,only you to catch me on the decor..." Regina sighed "well that was pretty obvious but not just that... some of the stories erm moments.. did ring a bell" Mal smirked "You cannot say that wasn't a fun way to teach you how to shape-shift" and Regina couldn't quite hide the blush on her cheeks but shot her comeback "by the way Mal, don't you think it's a little freudian to keep calling Emma's appendage a sword?" Maleficent burst out laughing "you know darling, I had never though of that! Just thought it would be fitting for little dragon hater to have something... heroic"

Regina lifted an eyebrow in warning "She is not a dragon hater... anyway.. why all this?"

Mal sighed "well when you're a captive dragon for 28 years your mind gets creative. besides, I am positively dying of boredom here!" Regina smiled "so, messing up with the townsfolk minds makes up for it?" Maleficent grinned "well yes darling. at first, at least, now I have my fans, I have request and commissions for stories"

Regina laughed "what?!" The dragon shrugged "I live for my reviews. And I have fun trying to imagine the requests..take this one for a male pregnancy fic by ' _RmatE'_ _and_ Belle has always tons of kinky requests for wolf ruby! who said librarians were no fun!" Regina was laughing so Mal felt bold enough to ask "are you gonna tell on me darling?" Regina shook her head "no. but on one condition, no more pairing Emma or myself with anyone else. Write what you will as long as we are a couple, it drives Snow insane anyway" Maleficent laughed "sure. Anyway I might have revisited our past just to annoy your little saviour, and also because I might have been kinda pissed that you brought me here as a dragon. But then I decided you probably just realized you couldn't trust yourself around moi" Regina smiled fondly at her "I know, what we had once upon a time but we were both too blind to see it could have been a good thing." They smiled at it each other, they both new they had a deep friendship and that their relationship as lovers had ran its course. Maleficent patted her knee "I will try to keep a low profile, besides I know a few ways to bring Snow White on board" Regina laughed "do I even want to know?", the dragon winked "Believe me darling you most definitely don't.." Regina sighed "I better get you a better occupation before anyone has a stroke"

Emma got home just as Regina was finishing cleaning her immaculate kitchen. She approached her and hugged her from behind, Regina smiled to herself pressing back into the body of her lover "welcome home dear". She could sense Emma's mind was somewhere else,but now, she knew exactly where, so she just needed to remind her a little of the real world and get her to open up.

She turned in the embrace to look at her and said in her deep sultry voice"my my we better deal with that little green eyed monster" the blond blushed furiously at getting caught, but Regina simply took her hand and lead her into their bedroom there was still a few hours before dinner and she had planned ahead with a trusty lasagna already in the oven with the timer on.

Snow was on her computer just finishing answering Archie's survey when her email beeped _'an offer of peace from a humble fiction writer. as a token of good faith the first story will not be published' the_ re were two stories annexed titled _'thus she came riding into my life' and 'I will always find you'_

Charming was still at the station so she figured she had time to read them, opening the first, she was shocked to read a story about her and Regina when they had met. It was written in Snow's point of view and portrayed a girl caught between a first crush, admiration and the want of a mother. She was in tears by the time she had ended reading it, it had been cathartic to let all those emotions flow freely for once.

The second was a naughty story about Charming and Snow playing with silken white blindfolds. She had just finished reading it when she heard the key on the door. And before her man could say anything she had jumped on him with a passionate lust that they had not shared since their secret rendez-vous as David and Mary Margaret.

Back in the mansion, Henry had already gone upstairs, and Emma and Regina were finishing doing the dishes. The saviour had a goofy grin having been reminded profusely of how much they meant to each other.

She teased her wife "so... will the mayor of Storybrook become the silent investor of Ruby's business?" Regina laughed "you know? I was surprised that Miss Lucas could come up with such a solid strategy. Although that name is just way too rude" Emma laughed but her wife continued "and I think she found a good business partner, I wouldn't actively run it", Emma was impressed "She and Belle are going to do it together?" Regina looked at her wife so she could catch her reaction at the news "no dear. My mother" Regina laughed and magically held the plate Emma had dropped "it surprised me too when she came to talk to me. But then again, I understand that she needs something to do of her own, apart from helping Gold at his shop. But we have agreed that there will be no magic involved. Can't have the sheriff running around after rebelling dildos or enchanted nipple rings " Emma was still a bit dumbstruck.

They got upstairs to get ready for bed and Emma sighed "I don't know when my mother will stop with this nonsense with the fiction stories" Regina smiled getting ready to once again surprise her wife "Oh don't worry she will probably drop it soon enough" Emma looked at her wife "you figured it out haven't you?!" Regina laughed "well dear you know what they say, where theres' smoke", "there's fire" Emma added, then froze "and where there's fire there's a dragon!"

But before she could storm out to kill Maleficent, Regina held her "this information stays just between us Emma, nobody needs to know the author... she is just bored. I might have an idea to give her a new occupation. And.. she is not harming anyone"

Emma sighed "I know, it just messes with me that she... when its about you and her" Regina smiled "well that will be over dear. And you know Henry and you are my world" Emma tried to tease her "always after the kid huh?" to which Regina faked to consider "oh wait there's also my apple tree and Pongo, you know I love that dog" they were both laughing and Emma tackled her wife onto the bed.

"Baby some of those stories, is it really possible to... ah.. have you ever.." they looked at each other and Regina gave her mischievous grin "careful with what you wish for miss Swan" there was going to be a long night ahead of them.

The end

 **Authors final note:** Thank you everyone for reading this little nonsense of a fic. I might do a sort of sequel with Maleficent were Emma decides to play cupid and Regina tries to give Mal a better suited job.

Aside from Dragonqueen can anyone suggest popular pairings for Maleficent?

Maybe add a little Ruby and Cora setting up shop on the side...

should I keep the g!p innuendo? What do you guys think?


End file.
